Fu*k It, Do It Scared

After years of going back and forth between “I want this” and “Who am I kidding”, I finally did it.

After years of saying ‘‘someday’’, I finally launched my own podcast.

Journeying from “I want this” to “I’m doing this” was infinitely more challenging than I could have ever anticipated. Going in, I knew there was going to be a learning curve, logistically speaking, but that didn’t stop me from feeling ‘‘technologically challenged’’ as I struggled to figure out the recording, editing, and back-end processes. I quit, almost on a daily basis, because of how overwhelming it all felt (overwhelming because it wasn’t my area of expertise and this was something I had to keep reminding myself of).

But in hindsight, that part was easy.

For me, the most challenging part of the journey was the inner work that had to be done in order to turn ‘‘someday’’ into ‘‘today’’.

The journey within was treacherous.

It was daunting. It was crippling. It was terrifying.

Fear summoned me. It summoned every ounce of my being; all my attention and energy was drawn towards it as though IT was the center of my being. Like a black hole.

And as a result, fear consumed me.

But in that overwhelming experience of fear, in allowing myself to be consumed by it, I found myself curious about its origins.

What was this fear? Why was this fear coming up? Where was this fear coming from?

Did this fear have any merit? To this extent at least? Was it an absolute truth? Was it reason enough to keep ‘‘someday’’ a ‘‘someday’’ until it one day turns into ‘‘what if’’ or ‘‘I should’ve’’?

And what I discovered was that it wasn’t fear of failure that was holding me back, although I was definitely afraid of putting my heart and soul into something and it failing; but the thought of it failing wasn’t paralyzing. Not enough to keep me from pursuing something I felt passionate about.

What I discovered was that it was fear of success that was holding me back from doing something I felt passionate about.

Moreso, it was a fear of what success would attract — the consequences of success:

— An endless to-do list: What if it does well? Then I’m expected to be consistent and disciplined; to be constantly recording, creating, and coming up with ideas. What if I run out of ideas? All the work that would be expected of me to put in should this succeed felt too much.

— Being seen and judged: Putting myself out there felt like I was putting myself in the line of fire. My insecurities would be on the front line and I was essentially setting myself up for criticism and judgment. Like I was willingly adding salt (judgment) to my wounds (insecurities).

— Disappointing loved ones: If I succeed, that increases the margin of disappointing my loved one. Feeling as though they’ve misplaced their sense of pride in me. Feeling as though I gave them a false sense of hope.

Wouldn’t it be better to just keep things as they are; avoiding any disruptions and maintaining the status quo even if it’s at the expense of my dream?

Those 3 consequences of this project's success felt more intimidating than if the project were going to fail.

And so in being able to understand this fear, I decided: fu*ck it, I’ll do it scared.

You can’t wait for fear to dissipate because it never will.

Fear will always be along for the ride.

So learn to do it scared.

Learn to identify it so you can be better equipped to navigate your path forward.

Don’t wait too long for ‘‘someday’’ because you owe it to yourself to do what sets your heart and soul on fire.