Should I Even Be Here?
“A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions’’, is one of my favorite quotes not simply because it holds in it the promise of infinite possibilities within a single lifetime, but because throughout my own lifetime, specific moments in time have been a testament to Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.’s statement.
Discovering the practice of yoga in 2016 was one such moment, but the experience didn’t end there; it wouldn’t dare end there. You see, the more I experienced, the more I wanted to experience. And soon, that want evolved into a longing. Much like when one’s been underwater for too long and begins suffocating, their lungs burn for air; longing for dear life. So too my mind would frantically swim to the surface, burning for air. Each expansion feels akin to breathing. Cease to expand, cease to breathe, cease to exist.
To know me — within the realm of yoga — is to know of my fascination with human anatomy and how it impacts physical practice. And it was this fascination that led me into a room recently where I found myself surrounded by other teachers; each with their own background, practice, teaching style, etc. Each unique in their own way and all gathered in that one room, for their own expansive experience.
I walked into a room recently, confident of my own unique background. And no one could take that away from me; no one could strip me of that confidence that comes from my experience and mine alone.
No one but myself.
Because as the day progressed, I found myself entangled in an intricate web of comparison. As if every word uttered; every experience shared; every question raised was in competition. As the day progressed, I found myself questioning expertise, credibility, and belonging; of none other than myself.
Should my knowledge be more in depth?
Should my practice be more extensive?
Should my skills be stronger?
Should I even be here?
YES. I wanted to be there and that was reason enough.
I walked into a room recently and my ego came out to play.
”Aha, I know this”, was met with relief. There was no threat to my being and so my body relaxed; within a matter of a single heartbeat, I’d moved on.
”Hmm, I should know that”, was met with unease and my body shrank in size, in an attempt to no longer be visible; out of shame or embarrassment — maybe even both. The moment may have passed, but that unease had cemented itself for the rest of the day.
Ego was subtle. All it took was a strategically placed ‘aha’ or ‘hmm’ for its impact to echo in the quiet expanse of my mind. And ego was so close to getting away with it. So damn close.
Had it not been for my noticing the feelings stirring up within me and the way my body was reacting, ego would’ve eclipsed the entirety of this experience.
And yet, while it may not have been the expansive experience I’d been seeking, it was one in and of itself.
Because in its subtlety emerged the opportunity to meet ego where he’s at.
To meet any insecurities, narratives, and fallacies with acknowledgement.
With understanding. With validation. With grace.
“I see you. I see where you’re coming from. I see why you might be feeling one way or another. And that’s okay.”
That’s okay.
And suddenly, ego wasn’t cowering in the corner of my mind anymore, shuddering with fear at the threat of the wrong word striking at the right time.
Suddenly, ego was willing to be coaxed out of hiding.
Ego felt welcome. Encouraged. Accepted.
We were in this together and we were all the better for it.
‘Should I even be here?’ is a question that’s haunted me as I’ve walked into many rooms over the years. And it’s a valid one at that.
But here’s a follow up question: “do you want to be here?”
If the answer is a ‘yes’, then there you have it.
Then the rest is just gravy.
